Finding Meaning and Purpose in Research

Danielle Fatzinger (@bonniecelt) is the current PGR Office Intern and in the third year of her PhD in Celtic & Gaelic, studying late-seventeenth century Gaelic manuscripts written in Kintyre, Argyll, their scribe, and his patrons. In this post, she discusses her struggle to find the meaning and purpose in her research in the face of COVID-19.

I’m probably one of many (if not all) PGRs struggling right now in one way or another. For me, the struggle has, in part, been motivation: days working at home run one into the other, and I’ve been working at random times of the day rather than sticking to a normal schedule (even though I can). Intense writing seems above my mind’s pay grade. I know these reactions are normal: general anxiety and stress is increased from the whole ‘pandemic’ thing, and we’re all being mentally affected by this. 

But at the same time, my research is affected far more than my internship with the PGR Office, and I think I may know why: I can still find the meaning and purpose in my internship, but it’s harder to find in my research (on four late-seventeenth century Gaelic manuscripts written in Kintyre, their scribe, and their patrons). 

In fact, I sat down to write this blog post in the hope of finding it again, and in the hope that, if you’re struggling with a similar problem, you’ll be able to find it, too. 

What is ‘Meaning’ and ‘Purpose’, Anyway? 

I don’t associate these words with something life-long (as we’re all constantly changing and different aspects of our lives will have different motivations behind them), so I prefer to think of meaning and purpose as the ‘Why’. Why am I doing something (in this case, my research)? Like many, I originally started my research for a few different reasons: to advance knowledge, to explore my love of Scotland, to learn about the past, to do something significant (your reasons may be different). I think the ‘significance’ aspect is, well, the most significant: I aspire to give something back to my community, for my work to affect people. Pursuing this (my interest in Scotland/Gaelic Scotland), meant moving across an ocean and working as a scholar with a language I didn’t know anything about four years ago. These reasons kept me going, as did the knowledge that I had my family’s support and was, in some ways, doing it for them. 

But recently, these things haven’t felt like enough. In this interview with Clara Hill, a professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Maryland, she discusses finding meaning in life, and one quote stood out as relevant: 

I think that’s the–that’s the key to finding the purpose and then finding am I doing what I want to be doing? And really stopping and reflecting. 

And I think for most of us, we don’t do that reflection on a regular basis. Life kind of takes over and we just kind of go through and do what we have to do for the day. And then when something comes up, some big transition–a death of a parent or a death of a pet or you get fired from a job, all of a sudden, it’s like “ooh.”’

Pandemic? Ooh. 

I’m sad that I’m away from my family at a time when I know that I could provide (and receive) more support from being with them than I can through phone and video calls, and that the necessity of staying where I am for my safety, their safety, and community safety means I won’t be seeing any of them in person for longer than planned. 

My interest in Scotland’s past, and even how it relates to the present, has been superseded by more immediate concerns: the pandemic and its effect on my family, community, society, and future (and the anxieties of what might happen). 

I know the importance of the arts & humanities, both advancing the knowledge and experiencing them. Music, art, theatre, and other entertainment helps us cope and gives us fun things to talk about to stay connected. Arts research provides a human element to the past, gives people connections to those who came before them, helps individuals and organisations work through struggles, and sometimes just reminds us to remember our humanity and empathy. 

Yet right now, it is difficult (sometimes impossible) to feel the significance of my academic activities compared to, say, the medical students moving into the NHS, or the researchers who have shifted to supporting the COVID-19 response, or even any of the essential workers who are keeping our communities functioning and trying to do what’s best for people.  

My internship provides a space to at least give back to and support the UofG PGR community. But what about my research? 

Bringing the Meaning Back 

I think bringing the meaning back into my research is going to be a matter of time. For now, I’m remembering that it is something I usually enjoy, something that I committed to, and something that my family is still supporting me in...even if other things seem more important. I’m trying to remember that this won’t last forever, and there will again be a time when I can enjoy department seminars and bump into people for a casual chat (without needing a virtual ‘appointment’).  

And I’m trying to think more about my research impact and public engagement. This seems like extra work, but I’m thinking about it, not doing it (at least not yet). I feel this is important: if I want to find meaning in my research again, then I need to know the ways it may affect the world. Will it save lives? I don’t think so. But it will offer some new insights into the lives of some men and their society in the late-seventeenth century. It may bring joy to people or satisfy curiosity, and that’s valuable, too.  

People may be delighted by a letter from 1714 in which an 80-something-year-old woman says she isn’t fond of the paintings of naked Beautys sent to her by her great-nephew. They may find pleasure in the poetry of the manuscripts (if they can read them), or enjoy the drama of a minister trying to move from Kintyre, Argyll to Dublin (which is more than you may think). They may be doing academic work of their own and find my work helpful. Descendants of the men/families I’m researching may be interested to know what their ancestors were up to. 

Typing this, I know that it’s not fully sinking in, and that I’m still prioritising the importance of other things: healthcare, supply logistics, etc. But it gives me hope that the meaning will come back, and one day in the future (hopefully soon), I’ll feel it again as strongly as I have before. Perhaps that will be if I begin online public engagement (Week 8 of PGR@Home might help with that), or perhaps it will be when I am once again able to meet people in person at events and have spontaneous conversation. 

Whenever that is, I’ll be ready. For now, I’m just going to focus on doing what I can and letting the meaning and motivation I can hold onto keep me going as I push to stay on schedule while also protecting my mental health. I will plan, and I will take breaks for tea and dancing. I will enjoy the sun, and I will accept when the task I want to complete is too much so I can switch to something more manageable. 

Steady on, PGRs. 

Have you been struggling with motivation or finding meaning in your work? Have you been spending more time reflecting on or prioritising different aspects of your life? You can share your thoughts and experiences in the comments, on Twitter or Instagram @UofG_PGRblog, or through our contact page.